This one might have a certificate . They call him the Evil Genius . He ’ s not a hunchback but he carries the burden of guilt , like Cain , everywhere he goes . He didn ’ t kill his brother . He killed his country . He also killed his friends and foes . He immersed himself into the bloody pool of power and worshipped at the feet of the devil for eight gnashing years . His reign was the bloodiest in the country ’ s history of soulless military regimes . Born on World Deception Day , he breathes dishonesty , eats treachery and sleeps betrayal . In the crescendo of his guile, he built two large party secretariats each in the capitals of the then 30 states of the federation to deceive , and not to conceive a long – awaited democracy. He also built two similar secretariats each in the 774 local government councils of the federation .
The buildings were to serve as secretariats to the two major political parties of the day , typified by the Horse and the Eagle , which raced inadvertently to a predetermined end . During the June 12 presidential contest between the Horse and the Eagle , the Horse was galloping towards the finishing line when the Eagle had barely flown out of the starting block , and the Evil Genius whipped out a pistol from his holster and shot the Horse in the head – this is the foundation of the country ’ s current woe . Turmoil erupted in the land . The Evil Genius stepped aside . Then , power changed hands again and again and again . So, the over 1 , 608 secretariats across the country became desolate . Today, men of the underworld , reptiles and weeds , vagabonds and governments have taken over the secretariats – on a first come first occupy basis .
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Driving on Nigerian roads is as risky as going to war . On this particular night , I was dog – tired as I drove home from work, rubbing sleep out of my eyes, yawning and trying to concentrate . Then , I dozed off . I didn ’ t see the wicked pothole . Po ! Po ! I lost two tyres to a blowout , one at the front and the other at the back of the passenger side . But God took control of the swerving vehicle and steered me to safety . I looked into the wing mirror, my face was covered in sweat . I clambered out of the vehicle . I was done for : two tyres gone , one spare tyre available . The dark clouds wrestled with the moon . All alone , I caught a glimpse of a building up the roadside . I trekked towards it , reciting the ‘ Lord is my shepherd ’ .
When the building came into full view , it turned out to be one of the Evil Genius ’ party secretariats . It was very dark , but I trekked towards it all the same . Then , I stopped in my track as voices filtered to me . On tiptoes, I sneaked forward . Slowly , they came into view : a gang of robbers in their liar with their loot . Jeez ! This is the real hour of transition ! I crouched under the foliage , ears cocked like an antenna picking clear signals . They were all seated in a semicircle with a transistor radio in the middle . They were all listening to the news , drinking and smoking .
The silky voice of the male newscaster breezed into the night , “This is Radio Boomerang … here is the news. All roads lead to Abuja venue of the self – rediscover party for Mr Clueless . Until a couple of years ago , Mr Clueless was the leader of the biggest gang of sophisticated looters in Africa. His gang specialised in looting oil proceeds , squandering foreign reserve, embezzling state and local government funds ; compromising security agencies , and asserting that stealing is not corruption . He was forced to go underground when a more sophisticated and much smarter gang took over the looting and terrorisation of the country over three years ago. Mr Clueless ’ Abuja self – rediscovery party was a roll call of dishonour between the members of the old robbery gang and those of the new gang . Prominent members of the new robbery gang and those of the old gang found a rallying point of interest and mutual coexistence as they backslapped , wined and dined together at the self -rediscovery party. There appears to be no more difference between the two leading gangs – the Awful Peoples Congress and Papa Deceiving Pikin .
Meanwhile , scores of Nigerian soldiers at a military formation in Metele , Guzamala Local Government Area of Borno State , have protested the massive killing of their colleagues by Boko Haram insurgents . In an online video , the protesting soldiers revealed that several members of the formation became cannon fodder for the insurgents because the war armaments used in the operation by Nigerian soldiers were procured during the reign of President Shehu Shagari about 40 years ago . Decomposing bodies of over 60 soldiers killed by the insurgents , penultimate Sunday , couldn’ t be retrieved for burial as the insurgents repelled the soldiers deployed to retrieve the bodies .
“ In the video , two soldiers , who claimed to be among the survivors of the attack , narrated the precarious condition of the troops and the obsolete equipment which made it difficult for them to repel the insurgents . ”
A narrator in the video said , “ See what the Nigerian Army has been doing to us . See how they killed our fellow soldiers , they burnt them inside the tanks . They are using us to make money; why ? Are we not human beings ? This is the location called Metele …within one week , they (insurgents ) killed 200 soldiers and we are now 147. ”
Two bush rats darted across the large room where the robbers were sharing their loot . Ghost leapt up and brought down his sword in two lightning strikes , killing both male and female rodents . The gang leader , Calamity, smiled . No one can beat Ghost in sword combat , Calamity thought . Ghost is his deputy . Tossing the edible rats beside the loot in the semicircle, Ghost said , “Blind urge for sex leads to death , ” and the gang broke into laughter.
Calamity rolled a joint for himself , lit it up and dragged on it heavily. “ This is what should happen to the leaders of this country who steal our money. They should be tried and put to the sword publicly , ” he said with a grin as he let out smoke through his nostrils . Imagine Mr Clueless talking in this country ? He boasts that the members of his cabinet are achievers today , is he an achiever himself ? If the head is rotten , what becomes of the whole body …?”
Ghost cuts in , “A governor was captured more than once on video receiving bribe from contractors, yet the anti – corruption agency has not invited him for questioning . The head of the agency even refused to answer journalists when asked whether the governor was being probed . Each succeeding regime since 1976 has been worse than its predecessor . ”
“ It ’ s only in Nigeria that a man would lose an election, concede victory and turn into a national hero . Sai Baba Go – Slow even congratulated Mr Clueless , telling him he would rise again . I ’ m tired of risking my life in deadly operations . I will run for the presidency too next year so that I can have access to free and safe money, ” Calamity said , eliciting another round of laughter.
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“ Me , I ’ ll go to the legislature, ” Ghost said , “ that ’ s the headquarters of our looting godfathers , ” drawing another guffaw from the gang .
“ Toothpick ” , Calamity called the chief driver of the gang , “ After this meeting , you and your boys should go and park all the stolen SUVs at the Government House for safekeeping , ” and he began to call his men , who eagerly stepped out one after the other to receive their share of the loot .
And slowly , my eyelids parted, I yawned and stretched. Dream , they say , is funny